Studies Show That Screaming Into a Pillow Every Day Might Actually Be Good for You

A new article by very experienced, very smart scientists was published last week. What’s the scoop? Well, it turns out that you might want to make screaming into a pillow every morning part of your daily routine.

In a recent study that lasted for a whole month, 50 people were instructed to scream into a pillow during their morning routine, while 50 people were instructed not to scream into a pillow. The results? Astounding.

Among those who were instructed to scream into a pillow, reports of general well-being throughout the month were alarmingly high. And among those who did not experience the joyous release of vocal chord explosion into a soft, fluffy safe haven every morning? Reports of aggravated assault skyrocketed.

So what is is about the experience of belting out a cry of help into a lumpy, downy mass that caused such feelings of well-being? Well, scientists aren’t sure. We can only listen to the verbal reports of the trustworthy subjects. Here’s what one had to say:

“It was amazing, the weight that lifted from me very morning after screaming into that pillow. I finally felt empowered enough to finish a serious project at work! I finally called my mother, whom I hadn’t spoken to in two years! My skin cleared up! I have a boyfriend now!”

Could this be the answer to solving today’s mental health crisis? Is it as simple as screaming into a pillow every morning before starting the dreaded day? Say, what am I doing reporting on these poorly crafted scientific studies anyway? Why aren’t I traveling the world as a war correspondent, as I had always set to do? Where’s my pillow? WHERE’S MY PILLOW?! AGGHHHHHHH!!!

*Note: The writer resigned before completing this article. However, we really needed content, so we published it anyway.