4 New Diets That’ll Get You a Summer Bod ASAP

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Spring is in bloom, which means now is the perfect time to start turning that quarantine bod into a summer bod. With plenty of people getting COVID-19 vaccinations and society starting to open back up, it sounds like this summer is gonna be pandemonium (or shall I say, pandemic-monium? HAH! they don’t pay me enough for this brilliance. no really. i don’t get paid. sometimes they’ll give me kombucha or face masks. but that’s like it).

Here are four diets you can try right now to get yourself feelin’ sexy for the summer.

(Please note I am not a doctor or a dietician. I am just a sad blogger and this post is intended entirely for humor. Please do not try these diets. But if for some reason you do and it works, let me know. They’re supposed to give me a kombucha bonus when something I write is actually beneficial.)

1. The Grape Diet

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One of my personal faves, the grape diet is simple and complex. How can a diet be simple AND complex you ask? Well I’ll tell you!

The grape diet requires you to eat nothing but products either made from or with the word grape in it. Sound limited to you? Think again. You might start by buying a carton of grapes. You’re eating grapes for breakfast, lunch, dinner. Then you think to yourself, hey, isn’t wine made of grapes? So now you’re drinking wine for breakfast, lunch, dinner. Hello! Did you forget something? Remember RAISINS?! That counts. So now you can snack on some raisins throughout the day. And what about Grape-Nuts cereal? Say, what’s even in that cereal anyway? Doesn’t matter! It has the word grape in it, so make it a part of your grape diet if you’d like. The options of grape products are endless if you open your mind to the possibilities.

2. The Hospital Cafeteria Diet

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You know that feeling when Grandma’s hooked up to life support and you’re just about to say your goodbyes to her, probably for the last time, but your tummy grumbles so you head down to the hospital cafeteria for a dry ham sandwich and maybe a cup of chicken noodle soup? It may not satisfy your grief, but it will satisfy your hunger! For a little while…

Who’s to say you can’t make yourself a little hospital cafe meal at home? If you’re not into dry sandwiches and canned soup, how’s about a salisbury steak, a salad, or some baked ziti with a fruit cup on the side? These meals are practically teeming with grief, which’ll be sure to keep your appetite at bay and help you shed some lbs. for the summer.

3. The Naan Diet

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You may have heard of the “non-diet” or “intuitive eating“, which is an approach to dieting that relies on mindfulness and essentially not feeling guilty about what you put in your body. Eat whatever you want- just make sure you eat when you’re hungry, don’t use food as an emotional coping mechanism, and maybe get some exercise every now and then.

The non-diet is great, but that’s not what I’m talking about here. I’m talking about the “naan diet”, which means you eat nothing but naan bread. All. Day. Long.

4. Reverse Breakfast Fasting (or RBF)

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Intermittent fasting is one of the most popular dieting methods or “eating patterns” today. You alternate between periods of eating and fasting, much like the ancient hunter-gatherers who did not have access to a meal 24/7 and would often go days without eating. For a less drastic version of this, modern intermittent fasters often stick to a daily eating period of 8 hours, say 1-9pm, making for a fasting period of 16 hours. That would mean skipping breakfast.

Skip BREAKfast? Who in their right mind would do such a thing? Forgo crispy golden hash-browns, greasy salty bacon, or hot fluffy pancakes soaked in maple syrup? A life without these breakfast items is not a life worth living, my friends.

As an alternative to Intermittent Fasting, try what I call “Reverse Breakfast Fasting”. Best for those night owls out there, or those with a really light schedule and minimal commitments during the day, RBF requires you to sleep through the day and stay up all night eating nothing but breakfast foods for an 8 hour period, say 1am-9am. The calories you eat at night don’t count, right? And you’re still technically fasting for a 16 hour period, which will do wonders for your metabolism, or whatever it is fasting is supposed to do for you. Like I said, I’m not a doctor.

So, are you inspired to start a new diet just in time for the summer season? Or, if you’re already on a diet, how’s it going? Comment below!

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