If Your Boyfriend Doesn’t Do These 10 Things, He Doesn’t Love You

Gone are the days of laboring for a man who hardly says a thank you after you’ve handed him a re-attempted grilled cheese, this time with “pepper jack, not gouda”. It’s 2021 ladies, and it’s about time we upped our standards. If your man isn’t treating you like the true goddess you are, it’s time to let him go.

Here are 10 things that your boyfriend/hubby/fiance/kept man absolutely should be doing in your relationship. If he ain’t doing a single one of these things, it’s a sign that he doesn’t love you and you should probably ditch him.

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1. Open doors for you

As a woman, many doors will be closed for you. This is why you need your man to open them for you. If he doesn’t do it, he doesn’t love you.

2. Walk on the part of the sidewalk closest to the street

If your boyfriend wants you to be hit by oncoming traffic, he doesn’t love you.

3. Buy you flowers

When your boyfriend buys you a beautiful piece of nature that has been plucked from the Earth and captured, only to die within a week, he shows that he is master of life and therefore worthy of your love.

4. Buy you jewelry

When your boyfriend buys you a sparkly shiny rock that has been harvested from the bowels of this Earth, it shows that he is rich and therefore worthy of your love.

5. Compose and perform songs about you

Even if his voice sounds like a dying whale, if he can at least strum a g chord and a c chord and blatantly plagiarize some Beatles song in your honor, he loves you.

6. Carry you around so your feet never have to touch the dirty peasant ground again.

Walking is for peasants.

7. Order for you at restaurants

Bonus points if he also speaks up for you at the DMV, doctor’s office, grocery store, or pretty much anywhere else that requires you to speak to the peasants.

8. Murder those who have ever so much as rolled their eyes at you

RIP Jessica from the sixth grade who didn’t believe you when you said that your uncle was an extra on High School Musical and you even had the pictures and a poster signed by the cast to prove it, but the evidence was sadly destroyed in a fire started by a demon who has haunted your family for generations.

9. Embark on a ten year voyage to discover the secret to immortality so that you can truly be together forever only to discover on his return that you got a little bit lonely in his absence and moved on with someone else, and upon discovering this, seeks to end his own life, forgetting that he already activated the immortality on himself so that every time he jumps off the bridge he just floats in the waters below, alive as ever and super mad.

10. Call you “dollface”

Acceptable alternatives include: “toots”, “sugar mama”, “baba ganoush”, and “babochka”.

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So ladies, is your man doing any of these things for you? If not, what do you wish he was doing for you? Comment below!